Cynthia McClure

Why am I struggling? Is it really the baby’s fault? It certainly isn’t my husband’s fault. It’s most likely my fault. So why am I choosing to struggle?

I think if feels like I’m not allowed to or not supported in taking care of myself. Which is weird considering how much support I actually have. Sometimes I imagine moving to a different city and what it would really be like to have little/no support. I’m certainly very blessed.

I think it’s okay to struggle sometimes. It doesn’t have to be someone’s or something’s fault. It just is. I just am. I do want to learn from it though. What lack I yet? Why is this triggering me? Why am I letting myself break down instead of seeing it in advance and taking care of myself?

Why is my sanity so precarious? Can I fix that? I want to be as constant as a stone for myself and my family. Certain, consistent, calm, smooth, peaceful. That’s the energy I want. I don’t want to tumble through life like it’s happening to me. I want to observe everything, really soak it in, and enjoy it.

I want to play music outdoors and share the beauty of God’s creation. To revel in it. I want to smile and dance with my children and learn about plants and rocks and everything God has made for us to enjoy. I want to enjoy eating well and feeding myself and my family.

I also have more complex dreams that perhaps should not fill this page just yet. Dreams are funny that way. There is a time to speak them out-loud and a time to whisper them only to your closest companion.

Becoming is a beautiful and difficult place to be in. It is both wretched and magical. Like when you’re learning an instrument and you finally have a breakthrough. So it is with most things in life. We have to push through some things, or do we? I believe it is possible to live in a state without resistance to our experience. We can become just by being. Being open and authentic. Being willing to observe and change.

It is both fascinating and horrifying to me when I hear someone speak over their life. You can tell a lot about a person just by how they chant about themselves and others. I don’t think most people realize they’re doing it. It’s often like speaking a curse over themselves. “That’s just the way it is” or “You know you just have to deal with it.” Some people are open about it being a family curse, though they may not understand that the curse is often self imposed through repetition rather than something actually mythical.

I don’t know when it started, maybe a year ago, but my older brother started something phenomenal in his daily practice. Some of my siblings took up on it too, and I’m not sure they really grasp how powerful it is. It’s simple. Imagine you drop something on the floor and it spills or breaks. Instead of “Crap!” you say “Bless me.” It sounds silly, but it makes a huge difference. I really love it when I hear my brother say this over me when I make a mistake. Instead of getting upset that I broke something or made a silly mistake (cough cough turning the blender on without the lid on it cough cough) he just says “bless you” and then grabs a rag to help cleanup.

So I guess this is all to say, I may be struggling, but I choose to feel grateful. Infinite love and gratitude to the part of me that felt I was struggling. Infinite love and gratitude to the part of me that didn’t realize it had a choice. I’m so grateful to that part of me for trying to protect me and bring attention to my self-care. I now choose to feel loved, empowered, and grateful.

You can do this process in your own life with just about any experience. It may take some time to integrate fully, so keep speaking it over yourself whenever you need. Infinite love and gratitude to the parts of us that were trying to protect us. If you feel lost and want some more specific guidance on how to use these sorts of techniques to change your life, you can google NLP.

This is not a plug. I don’t get a kickback for sharing this with you. I just think that everyone should know themselves and choose what they want and what they think will make them happy.

I hope you enjoyed this time with me. Getting some of my thoughts onto (metaphorical) paper has been very helpful. I didn’t know what I wanted to write, just that I’ve been struggling. I think it’s really cool that you got to read me as I change my thinking in real time.

I’m gonna go make myself food now before the baby wakes up. Have a blessed day!

C.M